Looking back at my past life, there is no doubt that the turning point in my life was the birth of my daughter. Before the birth of my daughter, my life was all about day-to-day repetition, spending all my time and energy on possible crises around me, and even if there weren’t any, I would create them myself. After I became pregnant, I realized that I would have to raise my child alone. Without the love, dedication, and determination to be a mother, everything would have been different.
When my daughter was five months old, she left me with SIDA, a medical term meaning that the pathogenesis was unknown. I had never experienced such pain, panic and endless emptiness. However, after the funeral, in order to comfort those around me, I told them that I sincerely believed that God must have something extraordinary planned for me in the future for me to go through what I am going through today, and that all I need to do is to stay on the right path, and that God will surely guide me when I am ready. My friends said, “One day you will see your daughter again.” I then asked them outright, how do you know I will be in heaven? Just because I’m a Christian doesn’t guarantee that I’ll get into heaven, because I haven’t committed myself to Christianity full time and I still have a lot of unanswered questions. Driven by the desire to make sure that I would meet my daughter again, I began to do my best to find a “true religion”.
I practiced Christianity relentlessly and lived a fully Christian life, but I found it hard to find it outside of the church, and even my heart was no longer wholeheartedly Christian. People were always telling me, “Jesus talked to me today” or “Jesus is with us, all you need to do is let Christ into your heart and you will see your daughter again in heaven.” I began to think it was all predestined, I believed in tarot cards, crystal divination, and even the idea of inclusion, that all religions could get you into heaven if you followed your beliefs. Then I put my pursuits on hold for a while and took a job at a bar in Indianapolis. It was then that I met a girl, and for a long time afterward we became good friends, who ran three or four businesses on her own, but none of them went well, and some of them had a lot of problems.
One day she asked me if I wanted to go to Malaysia, she said she wanted me to go there to buy some Malay style clothes and take some pictures and proceeded to find an import/export company to handle this, without even thinking I replied, “I want to go to Malaysia.” I arrived in Kuala Lumpur in the middle of the month of Lemaitan, having never heard of Islam before, nor did I realize that Malaysia was an Islamic country. I saw many women with their heads covered in 95 degree Fahrenheit heat, and I noticed that people had been very friendly to me. Thanks to a special friend (P.S.: he was one of the few who spoke English fluently) who explained to me that Malaysia is an Islamic country and that Muslims strongly believe that they do good to others and do all good deeds to seek the pleasure of Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta’ala) so that they will be rewarded by Allah on the Day of Judgement for these good deeds (as they desire In-sha’ala, the pure, the supreme). As the Lord desires In-sha-Allah). However, I always read negative news about Islam, the same as those who know nothing about Islam, so I bought some Islamic books (including the Qur’an) and started to learn and study Islam.
I had a lot of questions such as why do women cover their body parts except their hands and face, why is everyone so happy every day and voluntarily fast all day? How can one be happy while starving oneself? Suddenly I felt that no one could explain it to me well in English and I had to turn to Gulen. For as long as I can remember, I felt alienated from Christianity, as if I was the only one in the whole church who didn’t realize that I was being made fun of. The more I studied Islam, the more I wondered if this was the way to meet my daughter, and if this was the very religion that would take me to heaven.
Although my biggest obstacle was the Islamic presentation of Jesus (peace be upon him) and how to explain it all to my family, I found the answers to the questions that had been confusing me and realized that Islam was the truth I had been searching for. But my question was, should I take the test to become a Muslim and walk the path to Paradise? Or should I deny the truth that I recognized from the bottom of my heart and walk the path to the Fire forever because I was afraid of the opposition of my family and friends? During the period when I was undecided whether I should join Islam or not, my spirit was in a constant state of anxiety and contemplation of doom.
It was a difficult decision for me because Islam is by no means a religion to be fulfilled for part of the period, a true Muslim doesn’t just set aside one day a week to practice Islam, Islam is a test through and through and comes with great self-struggle, while at the same time benefiting yourself immensely. The deeper you learn and understand, the more you will feel that you know too little, and so the more you will be motivated to work harder to learn more. One day I woke up with a start and told myself, “I’ve decided, I’m going to join Islam and become a Muslim”, and from that moment on all my confusion and anxiety disappeared (Praise be to Allah). All the pain I had experienced before, including the untimely death of my daughter, was gone, and those terrible nightmares disappeared, and I felt more at peace than ever before.
I went to the Malaysian Muslim Welfare Center (PERKIM) and read the Shahadah and my life was filled with peace and love from Allah (SWT). Looking back, I can honestly say that all these endeavors and sufferings I went through on my way to Islam were worth it, because now, if I keep walking on the path of the Lord, (as the Lord desires) I will see and have my daughter (In-sha-Allah) again.
Of course, I have many trials ahead of me, and being a Muslim does not mean that I do not have any difficulties, but being a Muslim means that for every trial that I encounter, the solution is to follow the path of truth, and the end of that is Paradise, with my daughter and many pleasures unimaginable to mankind.
All praise is due to Allah for leading me to the truth and for His grace in making me a Muslim.